My Animal Crossing Life
by Marquiwallio
Summary: I take the place of my Animal Crossing character (we are both named Russell) and chaos and insanity ensues! CHAPTER 6 IS NOW UP!
1. It Starts

My Animal Crossing Life 

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters. HOYVIN!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. That was all I could hear from the incredibly noisy sow that was asleep 3 seats away from me. "When will I get there?" I wondered. "It's been about two hours." Suddenly I heard a creak as the old train car door slid open. There, standing in the doorway, was a cat. An ugly cat with a freakishly huge head. I grew increasingly nervous as the animal came closer. Then he spoke. "Hi!" he said. "Mind if I sit here? I promise I won't fall asleep, fall over, and...um...eat pickles off the floor!" I didn't know what to say. This deranged feline was...deranged! "Okay?" I replied. "Thanks," the cat said. "My name's Rover." Rover? A cat? Bahahahahahahahahahahahaha cough cough hack! "What's your name?" Rover asked. "Russell," I said. (From now on, the story will be in script form, be more humorous, and I will no longer be the narrator.)

Rover: Russell? That's a silly name! Myahahahahahahaha!

Russell: Shut up, you...thing!

Rover: Oh, sorry! Russell's a very nice name for a very nice girl.

Russell: (veins throb in his head) WHY YOU LITTLE...

Rover: (wagging his finger) Careful! This is a family game!

(Russell picks Rover up, and shoves a watermelon up Rover's ass)

Rover: MeOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! (Dies)

Porter: Train now arriving at Gameland! (turns demonic) GET OFF THE (beep)ING TRAIN, YOU (beep)HOLE!

Russell: Ahhh! (jumps out the window)

Sorry this chapter was so short. This took me about 15 minutes to write! Please R&R!


	2. Welcome Home

My Animal Crossing Life 

Chapter 2

Disclaimer: None of the following characters are mine, except Russell, but only partially.

* * *

(As Russell dove out the window, he hit a monkey wearing a blue suit.)

Porter: Ow! Watch where you're diving!

Russell: (gets up) Sorry. Hey! You look exactly like the monkey on the train!

Porter. We're twins. We're both named Porter.

Russell: Both named Porter, huh? That reminds me of Nurse Joy and Officer Jenny.

Porter: Go down these stairs. Tom Nook is waiting for you.

Russell: Who?

(Before Russell got an answer, Porter hopped on the train with a bag of money and rode off.)

Russell: Whatever. I'll find out for myself.

(Russell walked down the stairs and saw four houses. Just then, a raccoon wearing an apron walked over to him)

Nook: Hello. My name is Tom Nook.

Russell: I know.

Nook. How?

Russell: You just told me! Hahahahaha!

Nook: Anyway, there are four houses here.

Russell: No shit, Sherlock!

Nook: You may live in one of them. Be sure to check out the inside first.

(Russell walked over to the first house and entered.)

Russell: (sniffing) What's that smell? (Looks around)

(Russell slowly stumbled out of the house and vomited on the doorstep.)

Nook: Well? Did you like it?

Russell: What? Are you crazy? That house is made entirely of shit! No way I'm living in there!

Nook: Oh yes! The "Natural House." I made that one myself!

Russell: (Peeks in the door of the second house) This house has no floor. I can see the center of the Earth.

(Russell looked in the next house, but quickly left and vomited again, this time on Nook.)

Russell: That house is made of shit also!

Nook: You looked in the first house again.

Russell: (Looks in the last house) This house is crap, but it's the best of the four. I'll take it!


	3. Get to Work!

My Animal Crossing Life 

Chapter 3

ADVISORY NOTICE: Russell is my name, as well as my character's name.

(Um...now to pick up where we left off!)

Nook: Congratulations! You now own a house!

Russell: I'm not thrilled about living in a house with a broken stone floor...

Nook: With fees and closing costs, the house comes to...(pulls out a calculator and starts punching in numbers) 19,800 Bells.

Calculator: (whispers in Nook's ear) That's too much money.

Russell: Kewl, you have a talking calculator...I mean...OH MY GOD THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY! (Pulls out a bulging bag) Here.

Nook: You're not supposed to have the money yet!

Russell: But I do. So take it.

Nook: No! (Takes 1,000 Bells and throws the rest off a cliff) Maybe I should have kept that...

Russell: You asshole! (Picks up Nook by the tail and shoves him into one of the cracks in the floor.) There. That should take care of him. (Walks outside) OH DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT THING?

Gyroid: I am a Gyroid assistant. I am programmed to make your life miserable by talking.

Russell: Well, you're doing a good job. (Gently pushes it over and it cracks.) That's two bitches taken care of!

(Russell goes over to the store to see what there is to buy. Then he realizes that he doesn't have any money. So he just goes to browse.)

Nook: Hi! Welcome to Nookington's!

Russell: Ahh! I thought I disposed of you! And isn't your store supposed to be Nook's Cranny?

Nook: Well, I came here through a plothole and I went to get the money that I threw off the cliff and I used it to build Nookington's and...and and and and and...I'm saying "and" too much. And!

Russell: What do you want?

Nook: You must work here until you can pay me all back!

Russell:Are you nuts?

Nook: Yes. Yes I am.

Russell: Okaaaaay...what should I do first?

Nook: (Hands Russell several bags) You must plant flowers around the store.

Russell: Okay...

(Russell walks outside and realizes that there isn't any manure to help the flowers grow.)

Russell: Hmm...there isn't any manure to help the flowers grow...I got it!

(Russell craps on the grass and plants the flowers there. Then he wipes his butt with a leaf.)

Russell: There...that should do it!


	4. The Moronic Folk of Gameland

** My Animal Crossing Life  
  
Chapter 4  
**  
IF YOU WANT ANY DISCLAIMERS, THEN READ THE FIRST THREE CHAPTERS, DAMMIT!  
  
(Russell rushes into Nookway)  
  
Nook: Good job. You earn 160 Bells for that task. But I'm not paying you because this money will just go off towards paying off your house.  
  
Russell: Alright. I think that sounds fair.  
  
(Nook makes Russell do the rest of the tasks.)  
  
Nook: You're done!  
  
Russell: Didn't you say that I needed to pay all of my house off before I could leave?  
  
Nook: Well, I just realized that I'm not making any money by letting you work here.  
  
Russell: But if I sell stuff to you and then pay you back, you're still not making any money!  
  
Nook: Hmm...shaddup!  
  
(Nook kicks Russell out of the store...literally)  
  
Russell: Ow! My ass! Oh, well.  
  
(Russell collects lots of oranges, sells them, and uses the money to buy a shovel, a net, an axe, and a fishing rod.)  
  
Russell: Well, I'll go and catch some fish.  
  
(Russell goes fishing in the pond...you know? The pond that's over there by the...yeah.)  
  
Russell: Hmm...la la la la la...(looks to see if he caught anything)...la la la la LAAAAAHHH! (looks down) Dammit! I scared away the fish!  
  
Bunnie: Hello, tee-hee!  
  
Russell: AHHH! (drops his fishing rod into the pond) Dammit! (turns around) Don't scare me!  
  
Bunnie: Huh? I've never heard that word before, tee-hee...  
  
Russell: Which word?  
  
Bunnie: Dammit, tee-hee.  
  
Russell: Stop saying tee-hee.  
  
Bunnie: I can't stop saying tee-hee, tee-hee!  
  
Russell: Um...right. So who are you?  
  
Bunnie: I'm Bunnie. Nice to meet you...?  
  
Russell: Russell.  
  
Bunnie: Ok. See you later, Russell, tee-hee!  
  
Russell: Wait! I dropped my fishing rod into the water and I need it back and I can't swim and this is a run-on sentence.  
  
Bunnie: Well, you can borrow mine to fish yours out.  
  
Russell: Thanks. (pulls out his rod...ew, that sounded wrong) Here you go.  
  
Bunnie: (Takes her rod back...ew, that sounded even more wrong) You're welcome, tee-hee! Have a nice day!  
  
(Russell decides to fish at the ocean instead. While he is there, he catches a fish.)  
  
Russell: (holds up the fish) I caught a sea bass! See? Bass! (Why do I keep saying things like that?)  
  
Olivia: That was terrible.  
  
Russell: (puts the fish in his pocket) Hey, I'm just reading the cue cards...  
  
Olivia: I'm Olivia, purrr. Bunnie told me that your name is Russell. Pleased to meet you.  
  
Russell: I'm pleased to meet you too, but is there any way that you can stop saying your god-awful catch phrases?  
  
Olivia: No one's ever asked before, purrr! Just a sec. (Presses a button) There you go!  
  
Russell: Wanna go swimming?  
  
Olivia: I thought you couldn't.

Russell: I lied.

Olivia: Well, I can't swim.

Russell: ...

Olivia: ...  
  
Russell: Sooo...  
  
Olivia: Oh, you like sewing? Then go to Acre F-2. There are a couple of nice hedgehog sisters there running a tailor shop.  
  
Russell: What? No, I didn't say-  
  
Olivia: Don't mention it! Bye! (runs off)  
  
Russell: Is there anyone smart in this town?  
  
Billy: Heads up, dude!  
  
Russell: What the- (gets hit in the face with a soccer ball) OW! (falls over)  
  
Billy: (runs over to Russell) Weak! Are you alright, man?  
  
Russell: I think I just miscarried...

* * *

Marq: Admit it! This chapter was soooo much better!  
  
Olivia: You like sewing too?  
  
Marq: AAAHHHH!!!


	5. Marbles and Cucumbers

Mr. Director: Hello! Oh, all you fuzzy people with the button noses and the fat feet!

(Marq walks in and beats the director to death with a chair)

Mr. Director: Owww! The blood and the gore! I should stick to my day job!

Marq: Sorry I took so long to update. A lot of my other stories got removed and I don't know why, so I got really pissed and stopped writing. But now I'm back!

* * *

**MY ANIMAL CROSSING LIFE**

**CHAPTER 5**

(Russell removes the ball from his mouth...ew, that sounded wrong)

Billy: Dude! That was g-narly! (pronounces the "g")

Russell: Erm...right. I'm starving, what's there to eat in this town?

Billy: Well, there's only oranges...

Russell: Wait a minute...you guys live off fruit 24/7?

Billy: Yup.

Russell: Well, you are what you eat...

Billy: (sniffing) What's in your pocket?

Russell: (pulls out an apple, a peach, a pear, and a cherry) Oh, these? I brought them with me on the train.

Billy: (eyes turn red) PLANT THEM NOW! DON'T MAKE ME GOUGE YOUR EYES OUT!

Russell: Uh...ok?

(Russell takes his shovel, then digs a hole near the waterfall.)

Billy: (still psycho) NONONONONO NOT THERE YOU IDIOT!

(Russell digs another hole.)

Billy: AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH! ARE ALL HUMANS THIS STUPID? (gets whacked in the head with the shovel) Ooh...(falls to the ground)...look, there's a nice spot...

(Russell buries the fruit, then Billy.)

Russell: I'm sure I'm going to die of stress soon...

(Russell wanders through the town, falling into pitfalls, tripping over rocks, and getting stung by bees.)

Russell: I bet hell is better than this.

Voice: Oh, look at you! You're a bloody mess!

(Russell turns around, only to become face-to-face with the famous fashion model Gracie the Giraffe.)

Russell: And...who are you?

Gracie: (with an inexplicable Australian accent) You...you don't know who I am?

Russell: Nope.

Gracie: Ahhhhh! I thought everyone knew who I was! My life has no meaning! I'm going to end it all now! (jumps in the river, only to have her head surfacing) Shit.

Russell: Aaaaahahahahaha! Sucker! (walks over to the lake-type place)

Dizzy: Help me!

Russell: Sigh...what's wrong?

Dizzy: I've lost my marbles!

Russell: No duh! Everyone here has!

Dizzy: No, I mean my bag of marbles fell into the lake.

Russell: Well, they're probably long gone by now...

Dizzy: Actually, I just saw them float over to that island over there (points southeast). Could you go swim over there and get them?

Russell: And what makes you think I can swim?

Dizzy: You just said, "I can swim".

Russell: Good point. (Walks over to Acre F-5)

Kapp'n: Ahoy there, matey! Care for a ride on me dinghy?

Russell: Sure. Besides, I can't swim.

Kapp'n: O' course ye can! Dizzy told me!

Russell: God dammit! Does anything stay private in this town?

Kapp'n: If ye be wantin' a ride, ye gotta first connect yer Game Boy Advance to the GameCube, an' turn on the power.

Russell: (bewildered) ...Huh?

Kapp'n: Oh sorry, lad. I must've lost me focus fer a second. Now, what island ye wantin to be goin' to?

Russell: Oh crap! I forgot to ask Dizzy the name of the island!

Kapp'n: Alrighty, then! Shove off! We be headed to Oh crap! I forgot to ask Dizzy the name of the island Island!

Russell: **NO!**...er...actually, can you take me to that island over there? (points to a fairly close island)

Kapp'n: O' course, but why don't ye just swim there?

Russell: Take me to that island now before I shove your shell down your throat!

Kapp'n: Fine, fine. It be called Game Island.

(The boat leaves the dock.)

Kapp'n: (singing) Ye can't go wrong, with me cucumber song,  
Cucumber, cucumber...

Russell: (singing in same notes)...that is soooooo wrong!

Kapp'n: (still singing) Fetch one for me now, lad  
Ye won't be...

Russell: SHUT THE HELL UP!


	6. The Kiss of Life

Ned Flanders: Hi-diddly-ho, readeroonies! (looks around) Gosh, ya know, I think this story has too much swearing and violence.

Marq: Fuck you! (shoots him)

Flanders: My point exact-iddly-act-iddly! (coughs up blood, then dies)

Marq: I'd just like to thank everyone who made suggestions to the story. I have used some, and others...well...um...see ya! (runs away)

* * *

**MY ANIMAL CROSSING LIFE**

**CHAPTER 6**

(By the time Russell and Kapp'n arrive at Game Island, Kapp'n can't sing anymore, due to repeatedly being punched in the stomach)

Kapp'n: (wheezing) Ye scurvy barnacle...pant...ye can find yer own damn way back! (rowing back to shore)

Russell: Yeah, goodbye and good riddance!

(Russell chucks a piece of meat at Kapp'n's boat. A shark comes and bites the boat in half. Kapp'n swims frantically, but is pulled out to sea by riptide)

Kapp'n: Ye wee bastard!

(Russell walks over to the flag. After a few minutes, the flag has been replaced with a pair of soiled underpants)

Russell: What? Don't look at me, they're not mine!

(Russell wanders around a bit, catching insects and fish, and pissing off Rowan, the island resident. After all this, Russell sits on the dock and ponders over how to get back)

Russell: Aw, crap. Maybe I need to calm down...people will help me more if I do. (sees a ship with a drunken pelican as the captain) YO! Over here! Pick me up! I need a riiiide!

(A large rope is thrown in the general direction of the island. Russell grabs the rope and is pulled safely onto the poop deck.)

Russell: Eeeeeeeeeeeww! Those were new shoes, too!

Oliver: (dreadfully inebriated) Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (falls down, then guzzles the remaining contents of his bottle) An' wut the fick ish yerrrr name?

Russell: Does it matter?

(Just then, a loud smashing was heard and Russell and Oliver blacked out. A few hours later, Russell woke up on Gameland's beach.)

Russell: Ow...that hurts like a beach...Where am I?

(I just told you.)

Russell: Something is telling me that I'm on Gameland's bitch...err...beach.

(Yeah, me!)

(Russell ignores the voice and looks around. He then sees Oliver fiddling with himself.)

* * *

Marq: (opens the office door) What the– dammit, Knuckles, you sicko! I told you to stay the hell out of my office! Don't mess with my stories!(sits down at the computer, then jumps up and runs after the echidna) And gimme back that fucking backspace key!

* * *

(Russell ignores the voice and looks around. He then sees Oliver unconscious, face-down in the sand. Russell rushes to his side, flips him over, and performs CPR.) 

Oliver: (coughs) Oh...my head...HOLY SHIT! (jumps away from Russell) You...you kissed me! You sick pervert!

Russell: (clearly pissed) Is that the way you talk to someone who just saved your fucking LIFE? I'll admit, I'm not nice when I'm stressed or annoyed, but I could have let you just lie there and inhale the bloody sand!

Oliver: (gargling with sea water, then spits) Yuck! Now, can you say that again? I was cleansing my mouth after you fouled it!

Russell: You already have a FOWL mouth! And I don't even like birds! (a wicked smile suddenly crosses his face) And you know what else I hate?

Oliver: What?

Russell: Bird shit! They just let their crap drop wherever they please! A seagull ruined a tuxedo I was wearing a few months before I came here! And it was a rental! Now I'm gonna do something I always wanted to do...

Oliver: Oh, hell no...

(I'm not going into this with great detail, but for the next few minutes, Russell was having the time of his life, crapping on Oliver. After that, he used Oliver's hat to wipe his ass, then he went to bed.)

_END OF DAY 1_


End file.
